Valentine’s Day… where to begin, right?

The thing about this occasion is that while it’s fair to say it puts often-unhealthy romantic pressures on everyone, from long term married couples to single folks to developing adolescents and everyone in between, it also carries a host of secondary pressures and toxic messages as well. Messages about what kind of love we ought to have in our lives, messages about whose love matters and whose doesn’t, and even messages about what counts as proof that we are lovable and loving. 

We’re told the love of friends isn’t worth as much as the love of a romantic partner. We’re told self-love is merely what you resort to if you can’t get someone else’s sexual interest. And, especially for women in their 30s and beyond, we’re even told that if we don’t have the love of biological children, we’ve failed to provide proof that we are lovable and that we love others. 

It’s so wrong, but also so common. 

I hear from so many women that while they are happy with their choices, happy with their lives, they cannot help but feel the impact of cultural messaging that without children of their own, they’re not achieving a full life. They feel denigrated by well-meaning family, coworkers and friends that without children, they don’t have proof that they are loving and loved. They are made to feel selfish, immature or misguided. Instead of being applauded for making life choices that actually fit their priorities, they are pitied, questioned or accused of missing out on the motherhood role that society tells us is mandatory for women to be whole. 

Make no mistake: this is at the core of patriarchal toxicity and yes, other women are the most common perpetrators. Our own mothers, our sisters and cousins, our friends and colleagues who simultaneously love us but also, often unintentionally, seek to regulate us. There is no easy way out of this because it is everywhere - in shows, in music and in our own cultural traditions. 

“You don’t owe anyone a justification or explanation about why you’ve built your life the way that suits you. You don’t have to apologize for or downplay what your happiness looks like.” -Lindsay Love

What you can do is speak your truth. State proudly that you love your life the way it is. Celebrate the types of love you’ve chosen to prioritize. Or don’t! You don’t owe anyone a justification or explanation about why you’ve built your life the way that suits you. You don’t have to apologize for or downplay what your happiness looks like. 

This Valentine’s Day, do whatever makes YOU feel loved - whether that’s time with family, friends, significant others, fur babies, or no one at all. Because no matter what you choose to do, you are lovable, you love and you are whole.